Are You Listening?

Two problems I have been encountering as part of communication, just as often as I communicate, are

1. Interruptions – When I talk, people want to put their viewpoint in the middle of my sentence without letting me complete
2. Interruptions – When others are talking, I have this incredible urge to counter/correct them in the middle of their sentence

In the first case, I get frustrated – “if you let me finish…”. How many of us have thought/said that? Everyone! I, for one, always kept thinking, why don’t people have patience to allow me to finish and then counter? Sometimes, we both are talking the same thing. He/She would have known that if only I were allowed to complete my sentence.

Then I had the incredible realization of the second case above. I had the same problem that I have been complaining about others. That is when I started looking into the art of Active Listening. For a conversation or debate or discussion to be meaningful, the parties involved should play the role of active listener. The focus is to gather all the information, facts, perspectives and thoughts. Then, you are ready to put forth your views.

The first case above, I do not have much control over (at least, so I think). However, I can have complete control over the second situation. So, over time, I have made a conscious effort to gain that control. It is still a work in progress. However, now when someone is talking, I listen attentively – resisting the temptation of speaking or interrupting. It’s very hard to practice that, but not impossible. Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, the speaker sees my head nodding in disapproval or me shifting in my seat (sort of getting ready to talk). That's when I hear the "let me finish" phrase!

Active listening is not just to control your urge to interrupt by not talking. Active listening is also to control your body language. Nodding your head in disagreement, shifting in your seat getting ready to talk, other similar body gestures that communicate that you are getting ready to talk, all of the above when done in the middle of someone’s sentence has the same effect as verbal interruptions. So far, I got control over verbal interruptions. Body language to quite some extent, I have controlled as well. There is more work needed in this area before I can be an Active Listener.

With these said, I offer the following for your consideration. Active Listening involves a few key behavior patterns,

1. Attentively listen to the speaker(s) without interrupting (thru verbal or thru body language)
2. If you have to speak, ask questions to clarify what is being spoken (only at the end of a sentence)
3. Paraphrase to let the speaker(s) know you are listening, as well as verify your understanding
4. Strongly resist the temptation to interrupt the speaker(s) to counter or put forth your views
5. In the end, summarize what you have heard and verified to close the speaker’s notes

Now you are ready to speak.

Conflict or Opportunity?

You are in a conflict with someone at work. What do you see? Is it a battle or an opportunity? Life is not all about winning and losing. Life is about identifying opportunities. Life is not a battle that you have to win. Life is opportunity for you to learn and become better. Where there are two people, there are conflicts. Where there are conflicts, there are opportunities.
I have had conflicts with others (who didn’t?), in my professional and personal life. While I am still learning to see the conflicts in my personal life as opportunities, I have successfully converted some of the bad situations at work into opportunities.

Very early in my career, call it inexperience or adolescence; I was in conflict with a Vice-President of a company (that I went to work for later). My career was on the verge of crashing before even it took off. In a disturbed emotional state with no certain future, I still managed to see an opportunity, took it, went to work for the same company and set out on a path to success for next eight years.

While working for a manager with a knee-jerk reaction, conflicts were the norm. As people in my group were quitting every other day, it was especially difficult to keep calm. The day finally came when my company announced that they were downsizing and my manager told me that my job was being outsourced to India. Although devastated, and took some time to get back on track, I did leave the company, went on my own and ventured into Industrial Automation and MES.

Today, I am at the crossroads again. I briefly had the job of my dreams, before another knee-jerk reacting manager had to show me the door. Bounced back again on my feet, delivered some good projects, built a few references and was marching strong when the same manager paid another visit, this time with a grudge I never knew he had. So, I am at a crossroads again! I am trying to identify the opportunity in this difficult situation and make myself stronger and better.
With these three examples, I submit the following for your consideration during conflicts and difficult times.

1. Conflict is an opportunity – to learn and become better
2. Learn from your mistakes/failures, for it’s only a failure if you don’t learn from it.
3. Disagreements have reasons, sometimes good ones. Listen to know what they are.
4. Turning problems into possibilities focusing on what’s possible, rather than what is not.
5. Make the best of a bad situation – there may be a door or even a window waiting for you to open – Identify, and open it.

The possibilities are endless. No conflict will remain a conflict if you can see an opportunity. When you learn to turn a conflict into an opportunity, life will be filled with opportunities.